Before you read my tirade – I was not, am not and will not ever say – “I’ll never have kids” – that always gets you into trouble. No, I fully embrace the possibility that one day I could be a very happy mother of one or even two – but it's highly doubtful. Cause you see:
I was never one of those girls with the baby feeling, the gush over babies – “oohhh aren’t they cute – please let me hold them – I can’t wait to have my own” – girls. And the whole marriage and kids thing was never my thing – still isn’t. Not that I don’t want to get married ever – I do, in fact recently I found myself confirming the venue – the VAG for the reception – the beach for the ceremony – if I get married in Vancouver. But that is just a daydream that no emancipated woman is ever fully released from.
But back to the babies – at 32 even my “I’m going to be single for life-never having children’” friends are married and having children. And then there’s the Hollywood factor – everyone there is having babies as well. I mean if Hollywood stars are North America’s royalty... we aspire to be them right? Adoptions, C-Sections, in-vetro…I’m finding this are today’s main female topics of conversation over canapés and champagne? What happened to politics, art - the weather?
I mean I’ll admit I love to gawk at shots of the Jolie-Pitts on vacation as well but that’s because most families don’t choose to birth a child in luxury in Namibia and vacation in Vietnam all in between shooting films, attending gallery openings and walking the red carpet. Hey, if I had as much money as the Jolie-Pitts, then I would adopt a whole soccer team as well. The fact is folks, not only is the maternal instinct mostly absent, but I am nothing if not practical.
I CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE A CHILD. I cannot afford to have a latte every morning, never mind think about buying strollers, car seats and cribs –unh-uh. Hey, if it was that easy, I’d quit my job right now and maybe I’d have a kid – cause at least it would give me something to do, fill my days, make me feel like I had a real ‘purpose’ in life – perhaps the reason many women have children. Oops, did I say that out loud?
But no, I have to keep looking for real passion in life – that I know can really only be found by me. That passion is not a baby and not even a man. I’ve been too busy pursuing my life’s passion to think about babies. And when that dream only kept me in Kraft dinners and basic cable, I put that on the backburner to get a graduate degree that I’ll be paying off for the next 10 years of my life while I contribute to the betterment of culture and heritage in BC.
But I digress, babies and lots of them! Twins seem to be a staple on the landscape as older women get on the baby train. I mean biologically fertility plummets after 27. There’s a 50% chance of getting pregnant after the age of 35, or some such number, that is if you and the sperm-donor are both healthy and accounted for to begin with. So, really I’m already halfway to infertility anyway.
Then there’s the energy sucking during the gestation period, which, even for my friend who had no side effects, was her only side effect. The preparation of the lining of the womb for new life - I mean I can sleep a good 14 hours with naps when I have my period – never mind if a fertilized egg was to actually attach itself to the blood-rich lining formed every month and continue to grow! And people wonder why the f&ck you’re tired and cranky. “Well, biologically my body thought I was going to foster a new life so extra nutrients are sucked from my normal body functions to prepare for this physiological miracle and when it doesn’t happen, I spend several days bleeding, wouldn’t you be a teeny bit cranky and tired?”
And the time – can you imagine? There is no more time for yourself – that is it, done. No, no –DONE! It is the first thing you think about and the last thing you worry about. I can barely get to my to-do list as it is. I mean I guess the first year I would catch up on all the daytime television I’ve missed while working full time – days full of Ellen and Oprah with a little Regis and Kelly is what I call a little but of ‘all right’. On the other hand, there’s no getting any sleep at night, but I am a night owl anyway…BUT after that it is all downhill. There’s practices to drive them to and teachers conferences to attend, sleepovers to chaperone and meals to cook. I haven’t found time to do my 2005 taxes yet, never mind spending my weekends potty training and on the soccer pitch – unless I get ‘paid’ to do so like Katie Holmes.
There is also the parental equality factor. We can say ‘We’ve come a long way baby’, but the woman is still expected to and often voluntarily does do much more than half the workload - she takes the year off, she gets up at night and she still is the first one expected to do the household chores. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty anal about how the dishes are washed and where everything goes – but you can do the laundry, clean the toilet and dust and vacuum to your hearts content! I do know people who share parenting – in fact, a model couple, but they are the exception to the rule and if my co-parent was not at least 50/50 if not 70/30 in my favour, I would never, ever be able to live with him, never mind the kid.
So ladies – go ahead – procreate! Use every method possible, you can even tell me about it and I will buy you shower gifts and remark upon how cute the babies are – but they are yours. I am not envious, there is no pull of the heartstrings, and there is no clock ticking.
Only the tick-tock of the dream clock. Still lots of those to birth.
culturalcruise, 2006
